Ladies and Gentleman, I give you... Lydia.

Lydia is not a blogger, but she should be. She's my best friend from high school. 

Hi readers! 

I hope youʼre all having just the BEST Sunday. I found some long- forgotten fruit leather in the cupboard earlier, so mine has been pretty good! If youʼre reading Lacyʼs blog, maybe you fancy yourself some sort of fashionista (I bet you look goo-ood). If thatʼs the case, maybe you already know all about thrifting, since all the snazziest ladies I know can turn out something ferosh for a dollar. But, if youʼre new to the game, perhaps some of these tips will be useful to you. And perhaps not. But I am not getting paid for this, so whatever.

1. Thrift Store Hygiene

     Hygiene is a very important part of life. It determines everything from your popularity to the degree of success you can expect to achieve career-wise. Whatʼs that? You went to Harvard? Kewwwwl, but you still smell like old yogurt. But, fret not! You can still revel in the glory of three-day old hair, because when it comes to thrift store hygiene, you need to make sure yours is slightly below par. I like to get up nice and early in the morning, wipe the sleep from my eyes, and leave the house to find a gem. Only because I am not *totally* nasty, I will also brush my grill.

Sporting questionable hygiene at the thrift store helps you in three ways. First, everyone else at the thrift store is doing it, so donʼt be a square. Second, a thin layer of your bodyʼs own wholesome grime will help to insulate you from the stranger grime that you are absolutely certain to come in contact with. Your grime acts as a natural barrier to all kinds of germs and particles and shards of things. Itʼs science. Third, and in the same vein, it just saves you a shower, because youʼre going to need to do that tout de suite when you get home anyway.

2. Proper Attire

In bigger cities, youʼll be quite lucky to find a thrift store with fitting rooms. If youʼre like me, you donʼt like to spend a lot of time getting topless with the elderly, so make sure that whatever youʼre wearing, this first layer is a tank top and some leggings. You can try anything on over this ensemble, and you can wear it to a jewel heist later!

   (See above photo of jewel heist)

3. Thrift Store Boyfriend

Be suspicious of any man who looks at you twice in a thrift store - he for sure wants to watch you get topless with the biddies. Sometimes, your thrift store boyfriend will make it apparent that he wants your bod by saying “I want your bod”...or something alone those lines. This is one of the few chances you have in life to truly look disdainfully at another, so I would take it if I were you. Other times, your thrift store boyfriend will trick you into thinking you are doing a good deed, perhaps by helping him read a tag because he has poor eyesight as a result of being 1,000 years old. Youʼll realize you were duped when he says thanks and passes you his business card with a wink and a squeeze:

Also, it really should go without saying, but if someone asks you to try something on for him to see if it will fit his lady, politely decline.

4. The Eye

Going to the thrift store can be a “kid in a candy shop” kind of experience. I personally have a tendency to go crazy, piling my cart full of totally hilarious, totally useless things. In the past, I would end up purchasing at least some of the items before taking them home to realize they were only hilarious inside the store. Or, I would bring things home that were totally useful, but that I would never use (see: nightgowns). Eventually all this jazz gets packed up in a trash bag and sent back to the thrift store, coming full circle. So before purchasing something, make sure you really like it AND that youʼll actually do something with it. If youʼre just paying money to the thrift store to babysit their merchandise for several months - well, that just donʼt make sense, pal. If youʼre looking for something in particular, be patient - eventually THE perfect version of what youʼre looking for will appear, and this is truly a joyous moment.

I am always surprised at how certain things pop up over and over again. My friend Opal has managed to put together quite the Pyrex collection in her favorite vintage pattern, one piece at a time. I donʼt collect anything myself, but I do try to keep my eyes peeled for things my friends might want, because I have found there is seldom a better way of making friends than with money. I am super rich, too, so I have a lot of friends. I found 2 flat sheets in a girlfriendʼs beloved linen pattern the other day:

5. Not Getting Your Gear Jacked
This one is pretty self-explanatory: just try not to get your gear jacked. I am not really sure if this is a universal thrifting danger or not, but I did get my purse stolen at a thrift store once and it was just turrrible. Strap your bag to that sexy body of yours and leave it there.

I hope I have made thrifting seem sufficiently dangerous and disgusting that none of you will come take the treasures that await me. Have a splendid week, thanks for reading:)

Special Thanks to my lovely Lydia for dropping her hi-larious thrifting knowledge up on us

I feel like she had the person she was robbing take that picture with their cell phone and whatever hand of theirs she hadn't handcuffed to anything yet.



Heidiluxe said...

HAHAHA! great tips combined with great humor. perf!

Dances With Cakes said...

Oh look, I has Disqus now! 
I had to come see if my thrifting post was better than the one I just sent you and guess what!!!! it is.

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